Joy Slabaugh, CFP® and licensed therapist and I explore what financial abuse is, how it shows up in relationships, and what advisors and families should be listening for in part 1 of a special two part conversation. 

 

Key Takeaways: 

 

🔹 Financial abuse is about control, using money to limit another person’s autonomy.

🔹 It often begins subtly and develops gradually over time.

🔹 Many abusive relationships involve multiple forms of abuse simultaneously.

🔹 Advisors should look for patterns, language, and imbalance in shared decision-making.

🔹 In couples, listen for shared ownership and whether both voices are heard.

🔹 It exists on a spectrum, from account restriction to hidden assets and coercion.

🔹 Intergenerational financial control can carry harmful “strings”.

🔹 Financial abuse can exist at any income level and in any type of relationship.

 

📊 By the Numbers

• 1 in 5 men and 1 in 7 women experience financial abuse in their lifetime.
• 14% report currently experiencing financial abuse.

 

Tony’s Take: Financial readiness includes recognizing coercion, imbalance, and control in money relationships. Listening carefully may be one of the most important skills advisors develop.

 

 🎥 Watch this episode below: 

 

🎧 Listen to the podcast below or on your favorite podcast app. 

 

Connect with Joy Slabaugh, CFP®: 

 

• Website: https://joyslabaugh.com
• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/joyslabaugh/

 

Bio: 

 

Joy Slabaugh is a Certified Financial Planner™ professional, licensed therapist, and educator specializing in the psychological and relational dynamics of wealth. With advanced degrees in taxation and mental health counseling, she bridges the gap between financial strategy and human connection, helping high-net-worth individuals, couples, and financial advisors navigate the complexities of wealth with greater clarity, purpose, and impact.

 

Joy’s expertise spans wealth management, behavioral finance, and advisor training, equipping financial professionals with the relational skills needed to build trust and deepen client relationships. She also works directly with ultra-high-net-worth individuals, guiding them through the emotional and identity challenges that often accompany significant wealth.

 

A sought-after speaker, consultant, and industry thought leader, Joy has worked with top financial firms and private clients, reshaping the way people think about money beyond numbers. Her work challenges the traditional wealth narrative, offering a more human, values-driven approach to financial decision-making. Whether through keynote talks, advisor coaching, or client consulting, Joy empowers people to align wealth with impact, ensuring their financial success creates lasting fulfillment and meaningful change.

👉 Start Your Financial Readiness Plan: A free, practical plan that helps you create your in-case-of-emergency Financial First Aid Kit, organize what matters, and prepare before life happens. Start Your Free Financial Readiness Plan  https://www.tonysteuer.com

 

👉 Support the Mission: Become a Get Ready Insider and receive access to the Get Ready Library while helping support my mission to help people prepare before life happens. Become a Get Ready Insider  https://www.tonysteuer.com/get-ready-insider

 

Episode Transcript

This transcript has been lightly edited for clarity.

Tony: Financial abuse often hides in everyday money decisions, and many people don’t realize financial abuse is happening until the damage is done.

Welcome to a special two-part episode of Get Ready: Before Life Happens.

I’m pleased to be joined today by Joy.

Joy, welcome to the podcast.

Joy: Tony, thanks for having me. It’s really great to be here.

Tony: Fantastic.

To start off, tell us a little bit about yourself. What is your origin story, and how did it lead to your focus on financial abuse?

Joy: I’ll give my origin story in a couple of ways.

I started as a financial planner some years ago and loved it.

I had an independent practice and also worked for a very large wealth management firm, working with extremely wealthy clients.

Eventually, I reached a place where I was asking myself, “Is this really how I want to live my life, helping rich people get richer?”

Because while you solve some problems, you can create other problems as people amass more and more wealth.

I decided to make a career change and become a trauma counselor.

I went back to graduate school, studied counseling, and started working as a therapist with survivors of domestic violence and sexual abuse.

I was stunned to realize that I was still talking about money.

I thought, “What is happening? I left the money world, and yet here I am talking about money.”

Then I realized that a lot of therapists really don’t like talking about money.

And I knew from 20 years in the financial industry that a lot of planners don’t like talking about emotions.

It hit me: Where else are people going to go to deal with the big, complex emotions that money brings up?

My career evolved to working at that intersection of money and emotions.

Today, I help advisors and high-net-worth individuals transform how they engage with wealth, shifting it from a source of stress and isolation to a source of connection, impact, and lasting fulfillment.

What has been fascinating as I’ve worked in this area is how prevalent abuse is in people’s backgrounds, specifically financial abuse.

Something I’m open about in my own story is that I was raised in a cult, and abuse was used to control people.

That has helped me understand some of the nuance that goes into financial abuse and the many different ways it can look.

It has also helped me in my work with clients, whether they are the person receiving abuse or the person enacting abuse.

I try to meet people where they are and help them make sense and meaning out of their world.

Tony: That’s powerful.

It is something we need to talk about.

As you mentioned, financial abuse is much more common than we like to think, and money can absolutely be used as a form of control.

Joy: Yes.

I think we like to believe financial abuse is something really bad people do and that it isn’t very common.

Unfortunately, that isn’t reality.

Research shows significant numbers of both women and men experience financial abuse at some point in their lives.

If you’re an advisor with 100 clients in your book of business, statistically there may be quite a few people experiencing financial abuse in some capacity.

I’ve also seen research showing a meaningful percentage of people reporting that they are currently experiencing financial abuse in a relationship.

Those numbers are higher than I think any of us would like to believe.

For me, that’s especially important because financial advisors get a line of sight into people’s behaviors around money in ways that many other professionals don’t.

Financial advisors can be well positioned to support people around this.

Tony: I agree.

In other professions there are mandatory reporters.

Financial advisors may not always have the same role, but they can still be an important first line of observation.

Before we go further, can you define financial abuse?

Joy: At a high level, financial abuse is where an individual controls another person’s ability to acquire, use, or maintain economic resources.

What that looks like can vary significantly.

It might mean not allowing someone access to bank accounts.

It could mean not allowing them to take part in investment or banking decisions.

It can involve controlling how money is spent.

It could include fraudulent behavior such as stealing someone’s identity, property, or inheritance.

It could mean running up debt on joint accounts or hiding assets.

It could include forbidding someone to work or sabotaging their work environment by showing up and creating problems so they lose their job.

It could mean forcing someone to work in a family business without pay.

There can also be situations where someone refuses to contribute to family income, refuses to work, or refuses to pay child support.

Financial abuse can also involve filing false claims, intentionally ruining someone’s credit by not paying bills, or writing bad checks on someone else’s account.

There’s a whole spectrum of what financial abuse can look like.

Some of the more egregious examples are relatively clear.

But other situations aren’t always as obvious.

For example, if one person isn’t included in investment decisions, is that abuse?

Or is it simply a couple where one person isn’t interested in managing the finances and has chosen to delegate that responsibility?

There is a spectrum.

Some forms are much more clear-cut than others.

But one thing is true across the spectrum: financial abuse can be hard to see.

You may be interacting closely with people where financial abuse is happening and not necessarily be aware of it.

Tony: I think you said something really critical there.

Financial abuse can cover a wide spectrum, and it isn’t always going to look exactly the same.

As you said, sometimes one member of a couple simply doesn’t care about money and doesn’t want to participate.

That’s very different from someone who is not allowed to participate.

For advisors, financial literacy advocates, financial therapists, and others, this is where asking questions and understanding the context becomes so important.

Joy: Yes.

Another important thing to understand is that when people are in abusive relationships, there are often multiple forms of abuse.

Financial abuse can be one of the things that keeps someone stuck in a relationship that is harmful.

If you don’t have access to resources, how do you leave?

If you don’t have a credit card in your own name, what are you going to do?

If you don’t have a bank account or access to a joint bank account, how are you going to leave?

So when financial abuse is present, there may also be emotional abuse, physical abuse, or sexual abuse.

As an advisor, you may be seeing one aspect of the situation.

What you see may only be the tip of the iceberg.

Tony: That’s such an important point.

As I mentioned at the beginning, this is a two-part episode.

In this first part, we’re framing the issue.

In the second part, we’ll talk more about what people can do.

Something I’ve heard from multiple people is that financial abuse can be part of a broader pattern that may include physical abuse.

It’s a spectrum and also a continuum.

Starting to recognize it can help you see what may be happening and hopefully help your clients.

Joy: Can I add something to that?

Tony: Of course.

Joy: Starting to become aware of what financial abuse looks like and the different forms it can take is important.

But we also don’t want to assume abuse just because only one member of a couple shows up to a meeting.

It’s important to know that isolating someone from financial decisions can be a piece of abuse so you can notice patterns.

What happens when you suggest inviting the other person?

How does the client respond?

Those kinds of things can be useful to observe.

I also want to acknowledge that financial abuse is common enough that there is a good chance some of your listeners have experienced it.

Talking about abuse can be a heavy topic.

It can bring things up.

If somebody listening needs to pause the recording, take a walk, do some breathing, or take care of themselves in another way, please do.

This is an important topic, but I hope people care for themselves in the ways they need to while listening.

Tony: I think that’s valuable.

This episode is here to help people understand what financial abuse actually looks like and why it’s often missed.

For some people listening, there may be moments where they recognize something in their own experience.

Taking time to reflect and take care of yourself is important.

Why can financial abuse be so difficult to spot, even for experienced professionals?

Joy: One reason is that I think certain forms of financial control have become normalized in our culture.

Think about estate planning conversations where people talk about all the strings they want to attach to money.

If financial abuse includes controlling another person’s ability to acquire, access, or maintain economic resources, and there’s an element of coercion involved, we have to recognize that some behaviors can exist inside structures we consider normal.

We’ve normalized asking, “What strings do you want to put on this money you’re leaving to the next generation?”

Now, I think it’s one thing to put constraints on money such as limiting how much someone receives at one time.

It’s something different to make receiving the money dependent on whether someone remains part of a certain religion, marries a certain type of person, or has a particular career.

Those strings get into who people are.

I don’t know that the financial industry has always done a good job distinguishing between restrictions that may genuinely help beneficiaries and restrictions that may be harmful or controlling.

I am certainly not saying estate planning itself is abuse.

I’m saying there are aspects of financial control that can sometimes be swept under the rug as part of an accepted process.

Another challenge is that historically access to financial resources has not been equal.

For much of the history of financial markets, many people had limited access because of gender, race, or other factors.

There has been an element of control and coercion normalized within financial systems themselves.

That’s part of why conversations like this are so important.

I believe everyone deserves to be free, feel safe, and have access to the resources they need to live a fulfilling life.

Tony: I’m reflecting on some cases of elder financial abuse I’ve been involved with.

Sometimes these are things people in the industry may look away from.

And I think part of the challenge is simply not looking away.

It’s uncomfortable to recognize that something may be happening that isn’t right.

Actually stepping in can be difficult.

We’ll talk much more about what stepping in looks like in the second part.

But the first thing is to look at what’s happening.

Call it what it is.

Don’t automatically say, “That’s not my job.”

Maybe it technically isn’t your job.

But I think being a good human, being a good fiduciary, and truly serving clients means not automatically looking away when you see something concerning.

Would you agree?

Joy: Yes.

It’s really important to be open to the reality that we may see it.

Statistically, we probably will.

And we may already be encountering financial abuse more often than we realize.

Being open to the possibility that it could exist and could be right in front of us is an important first step.

Tony: Definitely.

You have to decide for yourself whether you’re comfortable looking at it and saying something.

This isn’t about judging anybody.

We want to raise awareness and show that financial abuse can be spotted.

Money can become a tool for control.

Why does that dynamic become so difficult to unwind once it has started?

In many circumstances, I imagine it starts slowly.

Then suddenly it reaches a point where the pattern is deeply ingrained.

Joy: That’s an important part of understanding abuse.

Someone engaging in abuse often starts with a small infringement and sees what happens.

If there’s no reaction, they move to the next one.

Then the next.

Then the next.

Part of the pattern of abuse can also involve isolating people.

You isolate them so they can’t get help.

Or you isolate them so that if they do speak up to someone else, they won’t be believed.

There is a long history of powerful people discrediting people they’re harming.

Think about Britney Spears.

For a long time, culturally, people thought, “Britney Spears is crazy. She’s in this conservatorship. Good for her dad for taking care of her.”

She spoke up for quite some time about how the arrangement was not helping her and was actually harming her.

It took a long time before people broadly believed what she was saying.

Trying to discredit the person being harmed can be part of the pattern of financial abuse.

That’s something advisors can notice in client dynamics.

Notice how people talk about one another.

When someone says their partner isn’t involved in the finances, how do they say it?

Is it with kindness?

“We agreed I’ll take care of the money, and they’ll take care of other responsibilities. This is how we’ve divided things.”

Or is it:

“They’re not smart enough to handle this.”

“They really can’t be trusted.”

“They don’t know anything about money, so I take care of it because they’re better off that way.”

Those are very different ways of talking about another person.

That can give you clues.

A common part of abusive behavior is trying to shrink the person who is being targeted so other people won’t believe them.

Tony: I think that’s such an important point.

People who work in financial services often end up overseeing the family’s money because that’s what they do professionally.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with that.

The problem is when money becomes a form of control or when communication disappears.

Joy: Right.

It’s when you don’t allow someone access.

When you don’t allow someone to have agency over their own assets and resources.

It’s one thing to say, “I’m helping my mom figure out how to invest her money.”

It’s something very different to say, “For Mom’s sake, I’m not going to let her access this because I know better than she does. I’ll give her an allowance, and that’s what she gets.”

That’s a very different situation.

You start hearing shades of control and coercion.

It can also be useful to understand some of the beliefs that lead people to engage in abuse, including financial abuse.

One of those beliefs is that they deserve to control other people.

They may convince themselves that it’s justified because they are smarter, stronger, more capable, or something else.

But underneath that can be the belief that they deserve to control another person.

That is one of the dangerous beliefs that can lead to abuse.

When you’re talking with clients and exploring behaviors and attitudes around money, especially as they relate to someone else’s money that they have influence over, be curious about what’s driving the behavior.

Do you sense a desire to control another person through money?

I think of an example where someone wanted to go to college.

Their parents said, “We’ll pay for college if you go to the school we choose.”

The child actually wanted to go to a lower-cost school.

The parents said, “No. If you go to that cheaper school, you’re on your own. We want you to go to this more expensive school.”

So the child went to the expensive school.

When they graduated, the parents told them, “Okay, now you need to pay us back for the tuition.”

Think about that.

How is that fair?

And there’s also a clear element of control.

Money can be used to coerce behavior.

“If you want us to pay for this, you have to do what we want you to do.”

That’s one of the common ways money is used to coerce people.

The people who control access to the money put strings on it to influence another person’s behavior.

Tony: I’m making a note because I want to make sure we get that into the show notes.

That’s a very important point.

As we talk about all of this, what are some common signals that advisors might normally overlook because they’re focusing on the numbers, investment returns, or the mechanics of the financial plan rather than behavior?

What are some signs or red flags they can spot?

Joy: I think the scenarios where you see this most often are couple relationships and intergenerational relationships.

With couples, listen for whether there is a shared sense of ownership and agency.

There can absolutely be different responsibilities.

One person may say, “I geek out over investments. I love all the nerdy stuff about it. My partner doesn’t, so we’ve agreed that I’m going to handle that.”

That is different from the other person feeling they don’t have agency.

Can they speak up?

Can they interject?

If the less-involved partner starts to participate, how does the other person respond?

Do they make space for them?

Or do they shut them down?

Do they constantly talk over them?

That’s something to observe.

Another thing to notice is what happens if you offer the quieter partner an individual meeting.

When I worked with couples and one person was very quiet while the other was very talkative, I might offer an individual session to give the quieter person space to be heard.

How does the other partner respond?

Do they say, “No, no, they don’t need that. We’re good”?

Why can’t the quieter person answer for themselves?

Why is the other person interfering with your invitation?

Those are things to notice.

In the next episode, we’ll talk much more about what to do and some questions you can ask to uncover these dynamics.

What you don’t want to do is sit in front of the couple and ask, “Do either of you feel abused or coerced?”

That can actually cause more harm than good.

We’ll talk more about that in the next episode.

Intergenerational relationships are another place to pay attention.

That’s where you often see strings attached to money.

Notice what kinds of strings people want to put on the money.

If the strings involve things that would be discriminatory in an employment setting, such as race, gender, sexual orientation, or religion, I get curious.

Where is that coming from?

Why is controlling that behavior so important?

Another thing I would encourage advisors to listen for is when clients consistently demonize other people.

Financial advisors hear wild stories about clients’ families, friends, and situations.

But notice if somehow everyone in a client’s life ends up being portrayed as a villain, incompetent, or a terrible human.

That’s interesting.

When everybody around someone is supposedly a problem, it brings questions to mind.

Again, that doesn’t mean the person is necessarily abusive.

But it gives you data.

Why do they believe everyone else is incompetent or needs to be controlled or rescued?

That’s worth exploring.

Tony: Those are powerful points.

Going back to couples, one of the easiest things to observe is whether both people participate.

Does one spouse constantly talk over the other?

That’s an easy signal to notice.

For people who regularly listen to this podcast, we’ve had a lot of conversations about engaging female clients.

How do you engage the wife?

You talk to her.

And if you ask her a question and her husband doesn’t allow her to respond, that’s something to pay attention to.

It’s one visible red flag among many possible layers.

As we start to wrap up this first episode, what is one myth you’re trying to break about financial abuse?

Joy: I’d love to break the myth that it doesn’t really happen, or that only stereotypical villains engage in financial abuse.

That isn’t true.

There are people who seem like upstanding pillars of their communities who engage in financial abuse.

It is far more common than we would like to believe.

And I want to be very clear about something we’ve discussed.

Just because you see someone talking over their partner does not mean financial abuse is happening.

What it means is that you may want to go deeper.

Because financial abuse is common enough that it deserves our attention.

In the next episode, we’ll talk through some of the questions you can use to peel back the layers, understand whether abuse may be happening, and then what you can do about it.

Tony: That’s great.

Just in case someone doesn’t listen to the second part, although I hope everyone will, where can people learn more about you and your work?

Joy: You can visit my website, and you can also follow me on LinkedIn.

I regularly post things to help advisors and individuals become curious about the intersection of money and emotion and how it impacts us.

Tony: Fantastic.

For everybody watching and listening, if you have access to the show notes, you’ll find links to Joy’s website and LinkedIn profile there.

Joy, thanks for joining us for this episode of Get Ready: Before Life Happens.

Joy: Thanks for having me, Tony.

Tony: And thank you, everyone, as always, for tuning in to this episode of Get Ready: Before Life Happens.

If you learned something today that opened your eyes, please be sure to share this episode and subscribe.

You can also go to my website at TonySteuer.com to join my newsletter and the Get Ready Movement.

And be sure to tune in to the second part of this episode.

Because when life happens, the way you think about money matters.