Helping parents as they age starts with better conversations, clearer plans, and realistic expectations.

 Elliott Appel, founder of Kindness Financial Planning and author of How to Help Your Parents As They Age joined me on the Get Ready Before Life Happens Podcast to share practical ways families can talk about aging, understand wishes, organize documents, plan for care, and set healthy boundaries. 

Key Takeaways

• Aging plans work best when conversations start early.
• Parents’ wishes, values, and goals deserve clear discussion.
• Caregiving works better with realistic expectations and shared roles.
• Healthy boundaries help families support each other with clarity.
• Care costs should be researched before care is needed.
• Legal documents and elder care planning create better options.
• Regular communication helps families prepare and adjust as needs change.

 

Tony’s Take: Caregiving is a journey, it’s a series of decisions. The families who are best prepared usually have the conversations early. They understand wishes, organize documents, talk about care options, and know what each person can realistically do. 

 

 🎥 Watch this episode below: 

 

🎧 Listen to the podcast below or on your favorite podcast app. 

 

Connect with Elliott Appel, CFP®, CLU®, RLP®: 

 

• Website: https://kindnessfp.com/
• LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/elliottappel
• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Kindnessfp

 

Books: 

 

• How to Help Your Parents As They Age: A Financial Planner's Guide to Caregiving by Elliott Appel (Amazon)
• Money Lessons for Change: What They Should Have Taught You in School (Amazon)

 

Podcasts and media:  

 

• Elliott Appel: YouTube (here)
• Me and Money Podcast with Elliott Appel and Matt Fizell: (Apple Podcasts)

 

Resources Mentioned:

 

Carescout Cost of Care Calculator and Survey (here) 

The Aging Plan Every Family Needs with Anna Lee Kruger on the Get Ready Before Life Happens Podcast (here) 

How To Create An Aging Plan That Works with Carol Chiang on the Get Ready Before Life Happens Podcast (here)

 

Bios: 

 

Elliott Appel, CFP®, CLU®, RLP® is a fee-only, fiduciary financial planner and the founder of Kindness Financial Planning, LLC, which focuses on helping widows, caregivers, and retirees gain control of their financial life. Outside of the office, Elliott enjoys playing tennis, hiking, biking, and photography. 

 

👉 Start Your Financial Readiness Plan: A free, practical plan that helps you create your in-case-of-emergency Financial First Aid Kit, organize what matters, and prepare before life happens. Start Your Free Financial Readiness Plan  https://www.tonysteuer.com

 

👉 Support Get Ready. Become a Get Ready Insider and help keep the Financial Readiness Plan free, support the podcast, trusted resources, and consumer-first financial education. You’ll receive access to the Get Ready Library. Support Get Ready here. www.tonysteuer.com/support

 

 

Transcript

Tony Steuer:
Caregiving can change quickly and last longer than families expect.

We’ll be talking about that in this episode with Elliott Appel, who has a new book coming out, How to Help Your Parents as They Age.

Elliott, welcome back to Get Ready: Before Life Happens.

Elliott Appel:
Thanks, Tony. I appreciate you having me today.

Tony:
Glad to have you here, and I’m excited to learn more about your new book.

What inspired you to write How to Help Your Parents as They Age?

Elliott:
There are probably many reasons, but the primary one is that I had a very difficult caregiving journey with my dad.

I’ll give you the short version, and we can expand from there.

I’ve been a financial planner for more than 10 years. During that time, my dad was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in 2016.

I was 25 years old.

He ended up beating the odds and lived another seven years.

As you can imagine, active treatment and aging came with a whole host of issues.

There were hospital stays, falls, a broken hip, low sodium, cognitive decline, scams, and people taking advantage of him.

We went through a lot.

My mom always tells me I don’t tell the whole story and that I skip over details, so I’m going to try to give a little more detail today.

Tony:
Is that part of what you go through in the book, the story of your father?

Elliott:
It is.

When I was initially developing the book, I was trying to decide whether I wanted to tell a personal story, give practical advice, or blend the two.

I asked my newsletter readers, and overwhelmingly they said they wanted about a 50-50 mix.

They wanted the personal stories woven together with how this actually applies in people’s lives.

People come to me all the time, whether they’re friends, family, clients, or newsletter readers, saying things like:

“I’m noticing cognitive decline in my parents.”

“They paid a bill twice.”

“This happened, and I’m not sure what to do.”

My hope is that people can read the book, see some of the mistakes we made, and learn from the things I would absolutely do differently.

There were lessons we paid good money to learn.

Maybe other people don’t have to pay that money because we already did.

I also wanted to give people proactive steps they can take today so that if the time comes, they’re a little more prepared than we were.

Tony:
I’m sorry you went through that journey. I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been.

It’s really valuable that you’re willing to share it because we don’t talk about these things enough, even though families are going through them every day.

That’s something we need to address in the advisory community, in financial education, and in our own families and communities.

Before I move on, I also want to give a shout-out to your newsletter.

I’d urge everybody to subscribe. You always have thoughtful articles, and there’ll be links in the show notes.

So in How to Help Your Parents as They Age, how do you help families start preparing for the realities of aging and caregiving?

Elliott:
I’ll preface this by saying the book takes people through the entire journey.

What’s important to recognize is that different readers will be at very different stages.

One person may pick up the book and say, “My parent is in crisis mode. I need to solve a problem right now.”

Someone else may say, “My parents are getting older. I’ve noticed some memory issues, but there isn’t anything urgent I need to do today.”

Those are two very different situations.

I use my dad’s seven-year journey because things looked very different at different stages.

If you’re in the early stages, there are questions to start thinking about.

How do I talk to my parents about their estate plan?

Do they even have an estate plan?

When was the last time they reviewed it?

Can I get a copy?

What are their wishes as they age?

Do they want to stay in their home?

Would they consider assisted living?

Is staying home financially realistic?

For many people, staying home is the default.

And sometimes it isn’t financially realistic.

It may work for a while, but once you need 20 to 40 hours of care a week, that becomes expensive very quickly.

There’s also the challenge of managing caregivers.

Then there’s the other end of the spectrum.

Maybe you’re already in crisis mode.

Maybe your loved one just sent $10,000 to a scammer, paid for something they shouldn’t have, or gave away more money than they could afford.

Then the question becomes:

What can I do today to fix the problem and hopefully prevent it from happening again?

Tony:
You bring up a lot there.

I’ve had other guests on the podcast who work in caregiving and caregiving technology, and one thing that comes through is how complicated it can be to assemble the right caregiving team.

Finding someone you trust is hard enough.

Finding the right type of caregiver can be even harder.

Elliott:
And what happens when the caregiver calls out?

Even if you find a great person, whether you’re working with an agency or independently, it’s complicated.

Even when you have the financial resources, it can still be difficult to find care at certain times.

Tony:
And as the country ages, demand is going to increase.

I’m not sure supply is going to keep up.

Elliott:
I’d argue we’re already there.

There’s too much demand and not enough supply right now.

Part of that is wages.

Caregiving is often a low-paying job and isn’t always recognized for the value it provides.

We haven’t really built a healthcare system around the realities of an aging population.

Tony:
That raises a broader question about how we prioritize the things we need as a society.

We don’t need to go too far down that road here, but it’s something worth thinking about.

Elliott:
Exactly.

There are also questions around zoning, community design, and what kinds of living environments we want to create.

There are interesting models and experiments happening around aging communities, and that gives me some optimism.

Aging at home is what many people want.

At the same time, people don’t always recognize how isolating that can become.

If the only people you interact with are your caregiver, a family member, a delivery person, or a doctor, that’s hard.

My dad was like that.

He wanted his independence at home.

And the tradeoff was that he spent a lot of time at home without much social interaction.

That’s not good for health either.

Tony:
That’s an important point.

I’ve had aging-in-place experts on the podcast who talk about preparing your home before there’s a crisis.

You don’t want to wait until somebody breaks a hip and then start making every change at once.

It’s like childproofing your home after the baby arrives.

It’s much easier when you prepare in advance.

Elliott:
Exactly.

It’s hard to do the things you need to do when you’re already in crisis mode.

Tony:
I want to reemphasize that because it’s so important.

Another part of this is cognitive decline.

At some point, many families begin noticing changes in memory.

How do you think about that?

Elliott:
Think about almost any older person.

They may say, “My memory isn’t what it used to be,” or, “I don’t remember that.”

That can be a normal part of aging.

The important distinction is whether it’s affecting their life in a meaningful way.

Is it ordinary memory loss, or is it creating problems?

In my experience, if you’re starting to ask serious questions about whether a parent’s memory loss is becoming concerning, it may already be further along than you realize.

It can also be easy for someone to mask memory problems if you only see them for short periods.

I saw that with my dad.

Somebody could have a normal conversation with him and think, “He seems fine.”

If you spent an entire afternoon with him, you noticed much more.

Tony:
That raises a really good point.

You have to talk to your parents regularly.

You need ongoing conversations so you have some sort of benchmark.

And sometimes people become more vulnerable financially as they age.

That makes communication even more important.

Having those conversations can be a real gift to everybody in the family.

Elliott:
I agree, with one important caveat.

You should have those conversations if you want to accept that caregiving role.

I’m very open in the book that my dad and I had a difficult relationship at times.

That didn’t necessarily improve during the caregiving journey.

At one point, I stepped away from caregiving.

My mom did too.

My parents divorced when I was young, but they remained friends.

I think it’s important for people to know that you get to set boundaries around the role you want to play.

Those boundaries can also change.

What I was willing to do in year one was very different from what I was willing to do in year five or seven.

Tony:
That is super important.

For many people, their caregiving plan is simply:

“My kids will take care of me.”

That isn’t really a plan.

Elliott:
It’s not a plan.

Tony:
And kids aren’t necessarily qualified caregivers.

It can also be especially challenging for women, who are often expected to take on more of the caregiving.

They may be raising their own children, working, managing a relationship, and trying to care for aging parents at the same time.

Boundaries become critical.

What helped you set boundaries?

Elliott:
I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t think we did a great job with boundaries.

It was a moving target.

That’s why I have a chapter in the book about boundaries.

Family dynamics create a lot of emotional pull.

For me, it often came back to asking:

How do I feel about doing this today?

Maybe it was grocery shopping with my dad.

That was easier or harder depending on his mobility.

Maybe it was managing medication.

Maybe it involved pain medication.

I had to continually ask what I was willing to do and then try to have that conversation with him.

Those weren’t always easy conversations.

For people listening, this is why starting early matters.

What is reasonable?

What are you actually willing to do?

If you want to move in with your parents, give up your career, and become their primary caregiver, there’s nothing wrong with that if everyone agrees.

If that isn’t what you want, it’s important to say so clearly.

You might even write it down.

I think of it almost like an agreement.

Here’s what I’m willing to do.

Here’s when we’ll revisit it.

Here are the circumstances that would cause it to change.

Set expectations up front.

Tony:
And siblings can complicate things too.

One sibling may live out of town.

Another may have no interest in caregiving.

You have to respect each other’s boundaries.

If one sibling doesn’t want to participate, you can’t force them.

Elliott:
Exactly.

And on the other side, if you’re not participating, how much say should you have?

I see this all the time.

One person is the primary caregiver.

Another sibling comes in for 10 minutes, sees Mom or Dad, and says, “They’re totally fine.”

Meanwhile, the sibling who’s there every day is pulling their hair out because they’re seeing the reality.

Those family dynamics are a huge reason to have conversations early.

If you wait until memory has declined significantly, setting expectations becomes much harder.

Tony:
And this is where communication becomes part of financial readiness.

There’s obviously a financial side to caregiving too.

A lot of people assume Medicare is going to cover everything, and ongoing custodial care is generally a very different story.

How do you help clients start planning financially for caregiving?

Elliott:
For every financial plan I run, I generally start with a baseline of about two years of additional care costs on top of normal spending.

I think it’s important to be realistic.

People tend to fear the extreme scenario of a 10-plus-year dementia journey where someone needs memory care costing $100,000, $150,000, or $200,000 a year.

That can happen, but it isn’t what happens to everybody.

The first step is understanding what care actually costs in your area.

That varies enormously by geography.

Maybe basic in-home help is $35 an hour in one location and $55 or more somewhere else.

What does assisted living cost?

Memory care?

Independent living?

There are many different levels of care.

Then be realistic about your own finances.

If you want care at home, at what point does that become more expensive than assisted living?

And is staying home still worth it?

An assisted living setting may include more services and also provide more social interaction.

Tony:
That’s an important distinction.

Most people aren’t going to experience the absolute worst-case scenario.

It can happen, and you need to understand the risk, but it’s also important to think about what’s most likely.

That also leads into long-term care insurance.

That’s what insurance is for: transferring or sharing a potentially large financial risk.

That doesn’t mean everybody should buy it.

It means it’s something to consider.

Elliott:
Exactly.

And this is also where an elder-law attorney can be valuable.

Different planning strategies make sense depending on someone’s financial situation.

At one end of the spectrum, people may spend down assets until they qualify for Medicaid and then hope there is an available Medicaid bed in a facility that works for them.

There may be other planning options depending on circumstances.

My dad, for example, was in a situation where he could privately pay for a facility for a year or two.

We watched that carefully because some facilities in his area might allow someone to private-pay first and later transition to Medicaid if a bed was available.

That gets very local.

You need to understand the facilities in your area and talk with an experienced estate-planning or elder-law attorney.

Tony:
That’s something people don’t always realize.

A facility may only have a certain number of Medicaid beds.

So you really do need a comprehensive plan for how things might progress.

It reminds me of earthquake preparedness.

Having an earthquake plan doesn’t mean an earthquake is definitely going to happen.

It means that if one does, you know what to do.

That’s really the whole point of planning.

Elliott:
I love that analogy.

If we make an earthquake plan and there’s never an earthquake, fine.

We didn’t lose anything.

Tony:
Exactly.

It’s similar with insurance.

If you buy insurance and never make a claim, that may actually be a good outcome.

You don’t buy homeowner’s insurance hoping your house burns down.

Elliott:
Right.

I don’t pay my life insurance premium every year and then complain that I’m still alive.

I do want to add one thing about long-term care insurance.

I’m very agnostic about it.

If you want it, great.

If you don’t, great.

Just make a proactive decision.

One thing I’ve noticed with couples who have long-term care insurance is that care may get brought in sooner.

Once the elimination period is satisfied, people often want to use the benefit they’ve paid for.

That can be helpful.

Without insurance, the healthier spouse may provide care for a year or two because they’re reluctant to spend money on outside help.

So one consideration is that insurance can sometimes encourage families to bring in help earlier.

That may be better for the couple and for the children.

Tony:
That’s a good point.

And there are many different kinds of long-term care policies now.

Some insurance companies also provide care coordination to help families locate services.

Of course, you still need to advocate for yourself when dealing with any insurer.

The broader point is that insurance is a way of offloading or sharing risk.

So Elliott, as we start to wrap up, what are three things families should know about preparing for caregiving?

Elliott:
First, start with the estate plan.

Make sure the documents are actually in place.

There are some things you can’t easily fix later once memory is gone or someone has died.

So get that foundation right.

Second, set boundaries.

Any caregiving boundary you set is okay.

I once read an AARP article that suggested thinking about somebody crossing your boundary as “trespassing.”

If someone is on my property and I don’t want them there, they’re trespassing.

That can be a helpful way to think about boundaries.

Third, communication.

Have regular conversations about what needs to happen, who is filling which role, and what people are actually willing to do.

Be honest.

These are difficult conversations.

Sometimes someone has to say:

“I don’t want to take Mom and Dad to every doctor’s appointment.”

“I’m not comfortable helping them bathe.”

You have to be honest about that.

Otherwise, you may end up resentful, and that doesn’t help anyone.

Tony:
That honesty is so important.

Boundaries are personal.

We shouldn’t judge each other for them.

Some people are going to step up in certain ways and some aren’t.

That’s reality.

Elliott:
And people go through different seasons of life.

Someone may have more capacity at one point than another.

Think about the sandwich generation.

You may be caring for your own children and aging parents at the same time.

How much capacity do you really have?

And what are you giving up in order to provide that care?

Tony:
I love that: consider your capacity.

A lot of us jump in to help without stopping to ask whether we can realistically do it.

It’s the same principle you hear on an airplane:

Put on your own oxygen mask first.

There’s a reason for that.

If you don’t have the capacity to care for somebody, you aren’t going to do a good job, and you may be doing both of you a disservice.

Caregiving is hard.

There’s nothing easy about it.

So Elliott, what’s one myth about caregiving or aging that you’d like to break?

Elliott:
That you have to be a caregiver.

We often assume that because of our family relationships, we’re obligated to provide care in a certain way.

Whether you’re the person aging or the potential caregiver, it’s important to understand that the caregiver gets to set boundaries.

That can be hard to hear if you’re the person aging.

You may want your children to do certain things.

And if they’re not the ones willing or able to provide that care, you may be disappointed.

I talked earlier about stepping away from my dad’s care.

He ended up in assisted living for about 48 hours and was asked to leave because of his behavior.

At that point, I stepped away.

I was angry and disappointed because we had just spent the previous week moving him from his apartment into assisted living.

The week before, he had called me crying and said, “I need a place to live. This isn’t working.”

We were in crisis mode.

We figured something out.

Looking back, if six months, a year, or two years earlier he had been more open to changing his living situation, that transition might have been much easier.

So that’s why I keep coming back to this idea:

You don’t have to caregive.

And if you choose to do it, you get to set boundaries around what that looks like.

Tony:
The sooner you talk about something, the easier it is to plan for it.

A plan doesn’t mean you have to follow it perfectly.

It gives you guideposts.

And some things can’t be walked back.

If powers of attorney or other directives aren’t in place before someone loses capacity, you can’t simply recreate that opportunity afterward.

The best day to have these conversations is today.

Elliott:
Exactly.

And I would say keep inviting the conversation.

If your parents aren’t open to it the first time, try again later.

One technique I often suggest to clients is talking about your own planning first.

Say:

“We just updated our estate plan.”

Or:

“We’ve been talking about what we want as we age.”

Then ask:

“Have you thought about yours?”

You can also use a friend or an article as an opening.

“I read about someone who went through this. What would you want to happen?”

Keep it open-ended.

Maybe they’re not in the mood that day.

That’s okay.

Revisit it.

Sometimes something major happens and that opens the door.

Our elder-care consultant used to remind us that sometimes you have to let someone fail before they’ll accept help.

My dad was like that.

There were points where he had to experience the consequences and then ask for help.

Having a plan made it easier to respond when that happened.

Tony:
That’s important too.

For some generations, these were simply things people didn’t talk about.

Especially for older men, opening up about vulnerability, health, money, or dependence can be really hard.

It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re being difficult.

It may just be uncomfortable for them.

So give them breadcrumbs.

Make it easier to start.

Let’s get out the time machine for a minute.

If you could go back to the beginning of your caregiving journey, what’s one piece of advice you’d give your younger self?

Elliott:
Keep inviting the conversations with my dad.

And if he still wasn’t willing to have them, set boundaries sooner and don’t get pulled into his timeline.

It often felt like the goalposts were moving.

Part of that was on me because I didn’t always set boundaries realistically.

We also never expected him to live seven years.

Statistically, we thought he might live six months.

That’s another lesson about caregiving.

The journey may be short.

It may be long.

You need to revisit what you’re willing to do at every stage because that may change dramatically over time.

Tony:
That’s really important.

Revisit what you’re willing to do at each stage.

And keep inviting the conversation.

It may not work the first or second time.

So to wrap up, what’s your number-one tip to help people change the way they think about caregiving?

Elliott:
Invite the conversation and set boundaries along the way based on what the other person is willing to give you.

You can’t make someone care about something they don’t want to care about.

You can’t force someone to have a conversation they don’t want to have.

And if they aren’t willing to meet you part of the way, don’t put all of that on yourself or assume you did something wrong.

People have to meet you part of the way.

Tony:
I love that.

People have to meet you part of the way.

That can be very hard as an adult child because you want to help.

And if your parents aren’t communicating with you or respecting your boundaries and schedule, it becomes much harder.

Elliott:
Exactly.

And I’d add one more thing.

Sometimes your parents’ values are different from yours.

That sounds obvious, but it’s important.

Maybe a parent wants to stay at home and remain independent as long as possible.

Maybe they’re willing to accept a higher risk of falling or something else going wrong in order to preserve that independence.

Sometimes you have to accept that.

That’s hard.

We went through that with my dad.

Looking back, some of the outcomes were a natural progression of the choices he made.

You want to keep someone safe at all costs.

And sometimes they want to live on their own terms.

You can’t make them adopt your values.

Sometimes you have to respect that and then set your own boundary.

Tony:
Exactly.

Aging involves a lot of change.

There can be loss of control, changes in identity, cognitive decline, and a lot of uncertainty.

From the adult child’s side, it helps to remember that your parents have a lot going on too.

Their decisions may be based on what feels right for them.

It’s their life.

That can be difficult, and it’s still something we have to respect.

Elliott, where can people learn more about you, Kindness Financial Planning, and pick up a copy of How to Help Your Parents as They Age?

Elliott:
The best place is KindnessFP.com.

My newsletter is there too. If you go to the newsletter page, you can sign up.

The book will also be available on Amazon and other platforms.

Tony:
Fantastic.

For everybody watching and listening, there’ll be links to Elliott’s website, newsletter, social profiles, and book in the show notes.

Elliott, thanks for joining us on Get Ready: Before Life Happens.

Elliott:
Thanks, Tony. This was a great conversation.

Tony:
And thank you, everyone, for tuning in to Get Ready: Before Life Happens.

If something today changed the way you think about caregiving, please share the episode and subscribe.

Because when life happens, the way you think about money matters.